Feeling...

The fog has turned to rain. Shattering against my windshield like a crystal wine glass dropped on tile. Raindrops beading on the hood as if my car had just finished running a marathon. My thoughts go back to that "if" accident I could of had in the fog. Since I am mere moments from my apartment, it would make total sense crashing into a pole or hydroplaning towards oncoming traffic.

No one would miss me.

"Where the hell did that come from?!" I yell at myself. Suicidal tendencies are not something I play with and my life is in no way that terrible where ending it is and has to be the only answer. Yes I'd admit money has been tight, job has been stale, my depression has been acting up and my body weight has increased to an all time high but to kill myself, no. Being broke, bored, depressed and fat are not good enough reasons to put myself six feet under.

My wiperblades deliberately ignore a portion of the windsheild and leave a section of unwiped rain directly in front of my way of vision. Now I'm not only annoyed at my suicidal brain but my wiperblades seem to have it out for me as well. "Why would my head suddenly think like that?", I ask myself. "No one would miss me? I would miss me! She would miss me."


Once she popped in my mind, a sudden sense of peace overwhelms my body. She has always had that affect on me. We've only been dating for a small amount of time but it feels like forever, and that thought makes a smile grow on my face so big, I know it created new wrinkles and I don't mind. I truely feel happy. I missed the fun we have doing nothing but talking, touching, giggling although it was yesterday when we did all that last. There's portions of the bed I look forward to finding since these little treasures contain the scent of her hair. I cherish the moments I find them but I don't abuse it for I know soon it'll disappear. So I turn over and hope later I find it again.

Hurting myself would not only be crime against me, it would also be a crime against her because it would make her sad. I never want to do that. So I parrallel park, dial her number and ask her about her day. I hope she knows how much she means to me.


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